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Monday, 24 March 2014

Family Matters

"My family is my strength and my weakness."
Aishwarya Rai Bachchan

I wasn't going to write today (Sunday, even though it's already Monday by the time I'm posting this), but it's the end of a very big week for me and I wanted to give a little update on how things are now. The quote above struck accord with me, because that's how I've really felt this week. On one hand I've had so much support. My sister Eva has been a rock in all of this. She helped me gain the courage to tell my parents what I want, finally call off the adaptations to the house I had been so anxious over and to start the process to hopefully live independently. I'm not sure I could have done it without her, if I'm honest. I know my older sister would be the same if she lived here too. My parents have struggled with it, my dad more so than my mum. And I'd be lying if that hadn't made me doubt myself, because ultimately I love my family and I want them to be happy. That's why even after I started hearing about other's living independently, it took me so long to finally make the push to try and achieve it myself. I didn't want to upset them, and I didn't want arguments. I figured saying and doing nothing was easier for us all. 

And once I made the decision and things were set in motion and having to deal with the fall out, I realised even more how much I rely on my family. Again, I don't know what I would have done without Eva and her reassurance that I was doing the right thing. After the initial shock, my mum has been really supportive and really tried to make me feel better about the fact my parents don't know if they'll get to keep our house. She thinks if they're supposed to keep the house, they will. My mum is a great believer in things are how they're supposed to be. I try to take a leaf out of her book in that respect.

My dad was the real worry. I've always been a daddy's girl. We're very close and he took this whole thing particularly hard. He basically didn't talk to me for four days. I've never felt so tense, awkward and sad. I guess in a weird way I felt let down. I felt like I was starting this really exciting journey and one of my best friends didn't want any part of it, and was holding it against me. It was also worrying because he didn't come out of his room much and he wasn't really eating. My mum was crying because he was holding it against her too, being really quite mean about it. He wanted people to blame, but he also didn't want to talk anything out. 

By Friday he started to talk to me again, it still felt awkward at first though. Things are pretty much back to normal now. I can tell he's trying to be okay with it. On Friday he asked if I'd heard anything, but I could tell he wasn't comfortable talking about it. Since then he's been talking about it more and more. My aunt Karen comes on a Sunday to visit and although I'm not telling many family members about it until I know more, I told her. She was so happy and supportive. She said she thought I did the right thing, and that it had to happen at some point and it was always going to be hard. I think having her here helped my dad talk about it too. 

So yeah, as my family comes to terms with the fact I'm finally trying to gain my independence and the more supportive they are, the more I realise how much strength that support gives me and how weak I feel without it. 

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