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Friday, 19 December 2014

I Dropped My Bundle

"Panic is a sudden desertion of us, and a going over to the enemy of our imagination."
Christian Nestell Bovee

If you don't recognise the quote from the title, it's a reference from this season's The Apprentice. Mark Wright was making a pitch and totally fluffed it and told Lord Sugar when called on it that he 'dropped his bundle'. Anyway, I dropped my bundle in class last night. 

I can't remember if I mentioned, but I had a presentation to do last night in class. I had decided to do it about the documentary Blackfish and my stance on keeping Orcas in captivity. It's a topic I feel strongly about and I had prepared, and felt confident it was something I could talk about in detail, in a persuasive and passionate way. Also it was something I had wrote about a number of times. You can see my review of the documentary here

I got to class and the teacher asked who wanted to go first. Our tables are kind of in a row, and the guy on the other end said he'd go first. Which meant I was going last. I didn't want to go first, so I didn't think much of it at first. But suddenly my anxiety started to rise as the presentations started. I felt shaky and warm, and then nauseas. I could tell a panic attack was starting, but I've gotten pretty good at talking myself down from them so I started taking breaths and such. It did help, and I guess because so many were going before me I kind of found sort of an eye in the storm type thing. I thought I was going to be okay. However it came to the person before the person before me, and it all hit me again. Full panic mode, and I felt like if it got to me and I got up in front of everyone I was going to choke. Even worse, I felt like I was going to throw up in front of everyone. I don't usually eat before class, but sometimes I feel sick if I don't. So I ate before class this time so I wouldn't feel sick, but I felt sick anyway and because I'd ate all I could think about was the fact I actually had stuff in my stomach to throw up. My mind was just racing.

The guy was almost finished and I leaned over to my classroom assistant and told her I needed to go out because I felt sick. She was really good about it. Slightly annoyingly after I asked her, the guy that was talking got asked a bunch of questions so we had to sit awkwardly until he finished. But then we left. I sit at the other side of the room to the door, and it felt like an assault course trying to get out of the room. I knocked into tables and my wheels were sticking in my carpet. But Jenni my assistant said I probably felt more awkward than it was.

We went into the bathroom and it was a bit cooler in there, which felt good. I kind of explained to her that I'd been having trouble with panic attacks and the closer they got to me the more panicky I felt. We talked and it felt good and I did start to calm down, but I knew once I was out of the classroom I couldn't go back in. We just talked outside the classroom while the other two people went and after the teacher came out and I explained I'd had a panic attack. She was nice about it too, and said I could just do it when we come back in the new year and not to worry.

I felt relieved I didn't have to do it, but also very embarrassed. I also felt like I'd let myself down. The reason I wanted to do this course was to challenge myself, and I was proud that I'd done my last presentation and not been too nervous. I don't know why this one was different and as much as I know waiting to go last didn't help, I feel like I'd have panicked either way. My anxiety has been a little worse this week than it has been lately. Jenni said I was right to remove myself from the situation, and I think she's right. I thought once I did, the panic would stop altogether but I still felt it when I got home and I still do now too. Part of me wishes I could have just got through it so it would be done, instead of having it looming over me during the Christmas and New Years break and having to do it when I go back. I don't want to not do things because I'm too scared. I thought I was progressing, but then maybe part of progressing is knowing when something is too much and when to take a step back.

So yeah, I just wanted to get this off my chest. I have an ice hockey game to go to tonight and tomorrow night and hopefully that'll take my mind of things. I don't know why I feel so anxious right now. Tomorrow and Sunday I'll be working on my weekly round up post of what I got up to this week and I'll post it on Sunday night all being well.

What are you up to this weekend?


  1. I LOVE the Apprentice! Mark Wright was my man from the start and deserved to win. It's going to be weird with no Nick next year and I hate waiting until the autumn :)

    1. Aha. I really liked him too! But yeah it will be. :'( I wonder who will take over from him. :o


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