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Wednesday, 24 February 2016

'You Have To Have Boobs'

"Real beauty is to be true to oneself. That's what makes me feel good."
Laetitia Casta

I was probably about thirteen by the time I realised I wasn't developing the same as other girls. At first I thought I was. I was sure I was getting boobs and why wouldn't I? I mean my mum is pretty busty and my older sister even earned the nickname Lara Croft because of hers. So it seemed obvious I should expect the same. But they just never happened. I had training bras like most girls did but when I came to realise I was never going to even fill those I stopped kidding myself. I was destined to only ever have a chest. Not boobs. A chest. 


Admittedly this gave my confidence a bit of a knock. Especially when Eva, five years my junior, took over me. There would be times when I'd be sitting watching television with my family and the women's chests on whatever show we would be watching would be brought up. I particularly remember watching an episode of America's Next Top Model and someone mentioning how the model had no boobs and couldn't fill the outfit they'd placed her in nicely. The kicker was that she could at the very least fill an A cup, so what did that mean about me who at eighteen couldn't fill a training bra? 

It didn't help that at the time I was questioning a lot. Gender was a big thing to me. Nobody had ever miss-gendered me because despite my flat chest I otherwise look like a cisgendered female. But on the inside I wasn't so sure. Despite my love of all things cute and girly - you know, if gender stereotypes are your thing - I've always felt more... male. I don't know how to explain it other than a bone deep feeling. It's not something I've talked about much because it's not like I want to or plan to transition but I feel like in those early days of confusion my boobs, or lack there of, was just something that added to that confusion. Did I just want to be a boy because then I wouldn't have to worry about not having boobs? 

Society teaches us that our boobs and their size is important to our femininity and our self-esteem. Despite the fact I'm disabled, when I looked in the mirror it wasn't my curved spine, my stick like arms or my rounded shoulders that stood out to me. It wasn't the fact I was sitting in a wheelchair. It was my flat chest. It was my flat chest that made me worry that I would never be attractive to anyone else. And I'm a little ashamed to admit the turning point was when I got my first boyfriend and then my first love, and well... the couple of relationships after that, that I realised that my pancake boobs weren't going to hold me back. I could be attractive as I am. I wish I could say I came to this realisation on my own but alas I cannot.

At almost twenty six I'm probably the most confident and secure that I've ever been. I'm not embarrassed or worried about mentioning the fact I'm flat chested. It just is. Last year I found bras that fit me in Urban Outfitters and if I want to feel uhm... feminine I guess? I wear them but I realise I'm also lucky that I don't need to wear them. I mean they're not always the most comfortable thing.

I feel like some people are so focused on body positive media for plus sized women that sometimes the insecurities of girls that don't fit that bracket are forgotten because if you're skinny you have no problems or body issues. I mean, unless it's because you've got an eating disorder. I know not all plus sized women have big busts and either way I'm not comparing the two at all but merely pointing out the grass isn't greener 100% of the time. While plus sized women struggle to find clothes that accommodate their size, I struggle to find tops in the female section without scoop necks which result in the danger of flashing everyone because regardless of size, tops for females are made for people with a bust. Also, it's so ingrained in people to think of being flat chested as a negative that on many occasions I've had people tell me that I 'have to have boobs'. That they're 'probably not as small as you make out'. And the old 'Awww, I'm sure they're not as flat as you think' because if you say you're flat chested people automatically think you're being self-deprecating and some misguided attempt at a band aid placed on your wounded ego by someone who apparently has more knowledge about your body than you do.  Perhaps when I was younger I did mention it in a self aimed derogatory way but the reason for that was because I was told I should, that having no boobs was something to be embarrassed and insecure about. But not anymore, I no longer want to continue to perpetuate the idea that I or anyone should be ashamed and that's why I'm writing this blog post.

Boobs come in all shapes and sizes. They can be made bigger and they can be made smaller. No two boobs are the same. Literally, like even a pair...

And that's okay!


4 comments:

  1. For a long time I was SO down because I didn't have a big chest. I even scheduled an appointment to see about having them done...then I realized I have a fear of surgery and I cancelled it.
    I don't actually know what happened to get it out of my head and to make me feel how I do today, as all of this was only maybe 4 years ago...but thankfully it did.

    ''At almost twenty six I'm probably the most confident and secure that I've ever been. '' I love that. I'm so happy to see a friend of mine feel that way!

    xo

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    1. I think surgery is great to have as an option (something I thought of too) but I also think it's really sad that some people feel the need to go down the road purely because of how media and others make them feel, rather than because it's something they truly want. Though obviously that isn't everybody. :)

      Haha, well I'm glad I can be that friend! :D xo

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  2. I always struggled because of the opposite. I have a larger bust (not extremely, but larger than the average and all my friends) and I never felt comfortable with it. Now I'm okay with it because I learned that there is always parts of your body that you love more and less and I am the only person that can make me feel bad about it. So I stopped worrying about it. Of course, I can't fully understand how it is for you, but I think when it comes to clothing, all women who have a bust size that is not average are kind of left out. I also often have struggles finding tops that fit me. In the end, it is our society and media that make a problem out of it. I don't think it's a "problem" that different women have different sized breasts. That's normal. We also have different hair colours and eyes and skin tones. That doesn't mean the one thing is more attractive than the other.
    I'm glad you are confident about them now! :)
    Patti Shifting Tales

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    1. Oh yeah, there's definitely a flip side to this that people assume if you've got big boobs that you're happy with them. I know a lot of people that are self-conscious about theirs and want a reduction either because of that or because of back problems. And different body shapes will present different problems when it comes to clothing. My post isn't to say that one type of woman or person in general has it harder than the other, it's just my own personal experience that I've had being flat chested and the things I've encountered in regards to attitudes and the more practical side to it like clothing. I do think things are getting better in regards to embracing all ships and sizes but there's still a bit of a way to go. But thanks! I'm glad you stopped worrying about them too. :) xo

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